Mary Claybon's Middle Way Health Blog

EQ-Emotional Intelligence for Peak Performance Shaheen's example

I love the concept of EQ. When Daniel Goleman wrote his book Emotional Intelligence in 1995, his premise that 90% of our success has little do with our IQ made sense and caught on in personal and organizational development circles. What counts is your self awareness, self regulation, and empathy as well as your ability to be motivated and motivate others. Another key component is your ability to communicate and relate in social and business settings.

As I am writing this I am watching Oprah interviewing the young Welsh singer Shaheen Jafargholi, who won the approval of Simon Cowell on Britain's talent show.  If you watched the segment on You Tube everyone's heart dropped when Simon interrupted him on his first song, giving him a chance to improve on his second song. What happened is everyone in the audience seemed to empathize with this moment of criticism and then within the first verse as Shaheen belted out the Michael Jackson song, his success was written all over the stage. He was cool, confident, and resilient as he simply did what he does best-sing.

Oprah asked what he felt in those moments when he was stopped by Simon. Shaheen said he remained calm, telling himself something good would happen and he kept his cool. When he sang for his second chance he just let his voice sing uninhibited in his best tone. His mother said she was scared, anxious, and worried for her son. What was articulated were emotions and feelings. What Shaheen demonstrated was the ability to regulate his feelings for greatest effectiveness. The audience demonstrated empathy, that ability to feel your own heart sink when another person's heart is threatened. The audience was so there for Shaheem at that moment. And Simon stood up and applauded-Simon-the ultimate critic and the ultimate support if he likes you.

We can all learn from this example of emotional intelligence and integrity. The components of EQ are:

Self-Awareness, the ability to perceive what you are feeling inside physically, emotionally and spiritually. You can accurately identify anger, frustration, excitement, sadness, joy, irritation or and then you are aware of how you are going to respond in specific situations with other people. You stop, look inside, identify your feelings, and listen to what you are to learn from the situation.

Self-Regulation or Self Management-the ability to stay positive and flexible in your response and behavior with other people while staying very aware of your emotions and feelings. 

Empathy-You are able to pick up on the feelings and emotions of other people and how they are reacting to you and your reactions to them. You are able to put your feet in another's shoes or at least be willing to see that even if you disagree or have different feelings you still have a relationship. 

Most important is the relationship. Regardless of your feelings and emotions you are able to be with others without attacking, defending, or taking things personally. Instead this emotional awareness promotes clear communication even when there is conflict. 

Shaheen was very aware that his first song was not his best. In that moment of what we could perceive as failure, he was able to relate to Simon, the audience and his own feelings without falling apart. Instead he was able to effectively move forward and upon Simon's suggestion sing another song. He did so with grace and talent. The entire audience felt the release of momentary tension that turned into a moment of joy. 

  

You Have to Stop Sooner Or Later

 For years people who have talked about wellness referred to weight loss, fitness or smoking cessation programs. Later we identified the role stress plays in our overall health and wellness so we developed stress management programs.

 Interesting that although the wellness industry has spent the last 20 years designing programs and providing health promotion information to the point that most consumers are very well educated, health is not improving much - Not the kind of health that is defined by an overall sense of balance of body, mind and spirit or physical, emotional or spiritual togetherness. In fact many people are exercising and watching their weight. Unfortunately many people have given up and continue to spiral upwards. There is no loss of material on what constitutes a healthy diet or adequate fitness program. There are also more self help books published than ever before to help us deal with our stress management.

 Keeping all of this in mind, it is interesting that when I work with people as a wellness coach, their vision often includes a regular exercise program and healthy diet, but it always seems to include the word balance and gaining more energy and enjoying life more. Yet that is the one place it is hard to concentrate. To stop all of our activity, whether it is for our work or just to keep the house managed is very difficult. We just keep going until our body can’t go anymore and then we get sick. It is when we get sick that we question how we have been going about getting all these things done.

More and more people have said to me that they need to take time to meditate, yet less and less do. Why is that? I know for myself I often feel that once this or that item on my to do list is complete, I will be able to sit back and relax. Sitting seems such a waste of time when there is so much to do. That is why we recommend that you schedule a regular time for meditation regardless of what is going on in life or with work. It has to be as built in as brushing your teeth. It has to be an everyday occurrence.

 But what if we are just not of the makeup to sit in a formal meditation? That is not necessary, but what is necessary is to have some sort of practice built into your life for reflection on more than your everyday tasks. The fact is that one’s body and mind can’t keep on going without a break. Eventually you will have to stop.

As you get prepare for the holidays, build into your day a time for silence, prayer, yoga, reflective reading, listening to peaceful music, journaling, or if you can, sitting in a position of meditation, following your breath long enough to feel a difference in your body- a feeling of peace and quiet rather than rushing and a sense of urgency. If you practice enough, it will become a memory in your body that you will be able to tap into when life is speeding by. Like all of my clients, it has to be a priority and goal for change. Let that be now and not later.

Shifting Gears

I just returned from a wonderful family vacation in Oregon "God's Country." We had 10 wonderful days away with our children and granddaughters. After being away and having a very long day at the airport due to a flight glitch, I am back at my desk, taking a deep breath and moving slower than usual because I am "Shifting Gears." Enjoy this article I wrote about this very phenomena.

SHIFTING GEARS

 

Your kids are going back to school.  You’re in empty nest. You’ve just returned from traveling. You’re starting a new job. Whether you are experiencing any of these transitions or other changes in your life, they all have something in common. They cause us to shift gears or reorient ourselves to our place and time and circumstance.

I travel a lot both for business and pleasure. When I return home it takes me a couple of days to get back into the flow of my routine. I am often tired and feel a bit disorganized. Rather than get upset, I simply listen to my body. Sometimes it needs to rest. Other times I need a good walk. If I just go with the flow I feel much more balanced and productive within a few days.

I remember when my children started school in the Fall. Summer was fun and our schedule was flexible, but by late August even though we still felt the summer heat, it was time to set the alarm and get back into a routine. When they all went away to college, the house felt empty and my husband and I had to reset our priorities.  It is all a matter of change and shifting gears.

Shifting gears has an effect on the body, the mind, and the spirit. We have to come up with strategies for easing into our new situation. We have to cope with change.

In the book, Aging Body Timeless Mind ,Deepak Chopra states “An estimated 6 trillion reactions are taking place in each cell every second.…In order to stay alive, your body must live on the wings of change.” Essentially we are always adapting to change.

Your body may respond by feeling a bit off. You may experience fatigue or a sense of restlessness. You may feel like you’re getting a cold or have a run down feeling.  Mentally you may feel a sense of disorientation or not knowing what to do next. You may feel unorganized or a lack of focus. You may also have a positive experience of feeling excited, relieved or contentment. Shifting Gears can strengthen or weaken your spirit and sense of connectedness.  

Some strategies for dealing with shifting gears or coping with change are first to accept that you need time to readjust. Recognize that a shift is taking place not just outside you, but within you as well. Ease back into your life situation slowly. You may need to take time off work. If you just returned from a vacation it is good to plan for a day off to unpack and prepare to get back to your normal working routine.

 It takes time to adapt to a change in your life, and if it is a big change you may need more time to adapt. Give yourself time to adjust to your current situation. Allow your body and mind to relax as needed. Take a nap or take a walk, whichever is most helpful. Most of all, practice mindfulness- staying in the present moment and accepting a short period of chaos while your body, mind and spirit adapt to change.

 

Mary Claybon is a life and wellness coach, writer and speaker with over 30 years of experience in the field of health and wellness. Through her business Promoting Health: The Middle Way LLC, Mary has facilitated wellness programs for businesses and individuals and now offers telephone and web based coaching nationally to facilitate lasting behavior change. Mary also facilitates A Course in Miracles group in Cincinnati, Ohio. Visit www.themiddlewayhealth.com or call Mary at 513-309-8377. Mary’s e-mail is maryfree@cinci.rr.com.

 

 

 

 

 

I love my pedometer. Go for 10,000 steps a day.

If you want to begin with lifestyle changes and exercise is your top priority, go out and buy a pedometer and work up to 10,000STEPS PER DAY. I love my pedometer. I put it on in the morning and track every step. You would be surprised how little walking you get in if you sit at the computer all day. On the other hand if you have steps in your house and you vacuum daily, run errands, do the gardening, and walk to the mailbox, you may find that by mid afternoon you have over 5, 000 steps. Now all you have to do is go out and take a brisk walk for less than an hour and you will have your 10,000 steps. You can sneak steps into your day by parking your car farther away, walking up and down every aisle in the supermarket, window shopping at the mall, or simply walking around while chatting on the telephone. I wish I had invented the concept of 10,000 steps. 10,000 Steps is equal to about 5 miles of walking. In the beginning don't worry if you are getting sufficient aerobic exercise at your target heart rate, just WALK. Once 10,000 steps is a habit increase your intensity and frequency, but for now just clip on your pedometer and get walking, and of course, if you are not used to exercise, check with your doctor to make sure you are ready to begin.

I found a great web site using this concept.
http://www.thewalkingsite.com/10000steps.html

What Good is Your Wealth Without Your Health?

More and more people talk about saving for retirement or at least working well into their senior years because they did not save for their retirement. Whatever your plan for staying financially secure in old age, make sure you include a wellness program in your plan. If not, you may be spending your hard earned and smartly invested funds on your healthcare. It costs over $40,000 for bipass surgery, which of course is usually covered fairly well by your health insurance, but think about your medications to keep your heart and blood vessels clear to prevent repeat open heart surgery. Cancer is one of the most expensive diseases, and much of it can be prevented. Even if you do get sick in old age, the more you invest in your wellness and healthy lifestyle now the more capable you are of healing and recuperating later. So what good is your wealth without your health? If your going to invest money and time for you and your family's future security and pleasure, think about the state of your body and mind and invest time and energy into health and wellness by daily exercise, smart eating, and a positive attitude. Live your life as if today is the last day of your life and as if you are going to live to 100.

STOP

YOU HAVE TO STOP SOONER OR LATER

For years people who have talked about wellness referred to weight loss, fitness or smoking cessation programs. Later we identified the role stress plays in our overall health and wellness so we developed stress management programs.

Interesting that although the wellness industry has spent the last 20 years designing programs and providing health promotion information to the point that most consumers are very well educated, health is not improving much - Not the kind of health that is defined by an overall sense of balance of body, mind and spirit or physical, emotional or spiritual togetherness. In fact many people are exercising and watching their weight. Unfortunately many people have given up and continue to spiral upwards. There is no loss of material on what constitutes a healthy diet or adequate fitness program. There are also more self help books published than ever before to help us deal with our stress management.

Keeping all of this in mind, it is interesting that when I work with people as a wellness coach, their vision often includes a regular exercise program and healthy diet, but it always seems to include the word balance and gaining more energy and enjoying life more. Yet that is the one place it is hard to concentrate. To stop all of our activity, whether it is for our work or just to keep the house managed is very difficult. We just keep going until our body can’t go anymore and then we get sick. It is when we get sick that we question how we have been going about getting all these things done.

More and more people have said to me that they need to take time to meditate, yet less and less do. Why is that? I know for myself I often feel that once this or that item on my to do list is complete, I will be able to sit back and relax. Sitting seems such a waste of time when there is so much to do. That is why we recommend that you schedule a regular time for meditation regardless of what is going on in life or with work. It has to be as built in as brushing your teeth. It has to be an everyday occurrence.

But what if we are just not of the makeup to sit in a formal meditation? That is not necessary, but what is necessary is to have some sort of practice built into your life for reflection on more than your everyday tasks. The fact is that one’s body and mind can’t keep on going without a break. Eventually you will have to stop.

As you reflect on your own renewal as spring approaches, build into your day a time for silence, prayer, yoga, reflective reading, listening to peaceful music, journaling, or if you can, sitting in a position of meditation, following your breath long enough to feel a difference in your body- a feeling of peace and quiet rather than rushing and a sense of urgency. If you practice enough, it will become a memory in your body that you will be able to tap into when life is speeding by. Like all of my clients, it has to be a priority and goal for change. Let that be now and not later.

Mary Claybon is a nurse, health educator and licensed wellness coach with over 30 years of experience in the field of health and wellness. Through her business Promoting Health: The Middle Way LLC, Mary has facilitated wellness programs for businesses and individuals and now offers telephone and web based coaching nationally to facilitate lasting behavior change. Mary also facilitates A Course in Miracles group in Cincinnati, Ohio. Visit www.wellcoaches.com/Mary.Claybon or call Mary at 513-309-8377. Mary’s e-mail is maryfree@cinci.rr.com.