Mary Claybon's Middle Way Health Blog

EQ-Emotional Intelligence for Peak Performance Shaheen's example

I love the concept of EQ. When Daniel Goleman wrote his book Emotional Intelligence in 1995, his premise that 90% of our success has little do with our IQ made sense and caught on in personal and organizational development circles. What counts is your self awareness, self regulation, and empathy as well as your ability to be motivated and motivate others. Another key component is your ability to communicate and relate in social and business settings.

As I am writing this I am watching Oprah interviewing the young Welsh singer Shaheen Jafargholi, who won the approval of Simon Cowell on Britain's talent show.  If you watched the segment on You Tube everyone's heart dropped when Simon interrupted him on his first song, giving him a chance to improve on his second song. What happened is everyone in the audience seemed to empathize with this moment of criticism and then within the first verse as Shaheen belted out the Michael Jackson song, his success was written all over the stage. He was cool, confident, and resilient as he simply did what he does best-sing.

Oprah asked what he felt in those moments when he was stopped by Simon. Shaheen said he remained calm, telling himself something good would happen and he kept his cool. When he sang for his second chance he just let his voice sing uninhibited in his best tone. His mother said she was scared, anxious, and worried for her son. What was articulated were emotions and feelings. What Shaheen demonstrated was the ability to regulate his feelings for greatest effectiveness. The audience demonstrated empathy, that ability to feel your own heart sink when another person's heart is threatened. The audience was so there for Shaheem at that moment. And Simon stood up and applauded-Simon-the ultimate critic and the ultimate support if he likes you.

We can all learn from this example of emotional intelligence and integrity. The components of EQ are:

Self-Awareness, the ability to perceive what you are feeling inside physically, emotionally and spiritually. You can accurately identify anger, frustration, excitement, sadness, joy, irritation or and then you are aware of how you are going to respond in specific situations with other people. You stop, look inside, identify your feelings, and listen to what you are to learn from the situation.

Self-Regulation or Self Management-the ability to stay positive and flexible in your response and behavior with other people while staying very aware of your emotions and feelings. 

Empathy-You are able to pick up on the feelings and emotions of other people and how they are reacting to you and your reactions to them. You are able to put your feet in another's shoes or at least be willing to see that even if you disagree or have different feelings you still have a relationship. 

Most important is the relationship. Regardless of your feelings and emotions you are able to be with others without attacking, defending, or taking things personally. Instead this emotional awareness promotes clear communication even when there is conflict. 

Shaheen was very aware that his first song was not his best. In that moment of what we could perceive as failure, he was able to relate to Simon, the audience and his own feelings without falling apart. Instead he was able to effectively move forward and upon Simon's suggestion sing another song. He did so with grace and talent. The entire audience felt the release of momentary tension that turned into a moment of joy. 

  

All I Really Need to Know-Thanksgiving in Kindergarten and Second Grade

 

Last week I went to my niece's school. We made pine cone turkeys in kindergarten and wrote a poem in second grade. I never attended kindergarten so if all we really need to know was learned there, I had to learn it on my own. They are valuable lessons. Here is a copy of Robert Fulghum's things he learned in kindergarten.

 

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN

(a guide for Global Leadership)

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.

These are the things I learned:

• Share everything.
• Play fair.
• Don't hit people.
• Put things back where you found them.
• Clean up your own mess.
• Don't take things that aren't yours.
• Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
• Wash your hands before you eat.
• Flush.
• Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
• Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
• Take a nap every afternoon.
• When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
• Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
• Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
• And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

[Source: "ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN" by Robert Fulghum.  See his web site at http://www.robertfulghum.com/  

Friendship: The Medicine of Life

FRIENDSHIP: THE MEDICINE OF LIFE

By Mary Claybon

 

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing…not healing, not curing…that is a friend who cares.”

-       Henri Nouwen

 Friendship is an art. We are born into families but we must cultivate our friends. A true friend is priceless- someone you can call when you are confused, have a problem, or when you are excited and want to celebrate. Sometimes we need a friend to listen and not fix our problems or advise us with the best solution. Yet, how many people have someone in their life who will listen and love unconditionally without an ulterior motive; without asking for anything in return; someone whose own spirit is lifted by allowing you to share your dreams, worries, fears, confusion, anger, and other emotions.

This is rare in today’s society, because we are in a hurry and listening takes time.

Like doctors, we want to give our friend a solution. Often we don’t want a solution; we just want to talk it out. A true healer will listen until they don’t exist so the other person can come up with their own solution, but this takes time.

Recently I went to the doctor and I said to him, “You know, Doctor, I think there is an emotional component to this and I really want to heal at a deeper level.” He looked at me with a sense of helplessness, and said “Well, get up on the table and let me listen to your heart.” After putting the cold stethoscope on my chest, he proclaimed, “You are just fine.” Isn’t that funny? Would he really take the time to listen to my heart and soul and mind? No, not because he doesn’t want to, but because he doesn’t have time. Listening to someone’s feelings and emotions is difficult. We quickly want to solve the problem, hurry away the pain, and heal the person. We can’t expect our doctors to be our friends, but if we had more friends we might not need as many doctors.

You may have a “ton of friends,” but how many of your friendships are open and unreserved allowing you both to expose your soul and unleash your feelings and emotions without fear. You are fortunate if among the multitudes of people you know, you have one or two trusting friends who will be there for you even when they don’t understand you.

Cultivating friendship takes time and thought and the ability to give and to forgive. It is the desire to want to be in a relationship with another human being for no other reason than the healing energy of knowing you can count on that person and they can count on you in life when it is challenging or when it is exciting. This kind of friendship is the best medicine.